What do you call a strawberry run over in the street ?
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I need new jokes…
- Thread starter geezer
- Start date
One day, Mighty Tarzan was swinging through the jungle, and crashed into a tree, fell, and hit every branch on the way down. He was just able to crawl to the local witch doctor's hut, and blacked out at the door.
When he awoke, the witch doctor said, "Aah, you're awake!" "What happen doctor?" asked Tarzan. The witch doctor answered, "You were in a terrible accident, my boy. You lost your right eye, your left arm, and, well..." "What else!?" "Your dick, Tarzan. Your dick" replied the doctor.
"But I fixed you up, and I think I did a fine job of it. I had to get creative, though. See, I replaced your eye with an eagles eye. That's got to be an upgrade, amirite? I gave you a gorilla's arm in place of your old bloody-torn-off-piece-of-**** one." Fearfully, Tarzan asked, "What about Tarzan's dick?"
"I had to use an elephants trunk." "A what...?" "An elephant's trunk. It was that or an earthworm. There's probably still time..." "NO DOCTOR! Elephant trunk do fine." "Come back in a month, Tarzan, and let me know how you're doing, ok?" And Tarzan swung away.
A few days pass….
"Doctor! Tarzan is back!" "Tarzan, you have to take time to heal and.."
"Tarzan want to tell doctor about new parts! The eagle eyes makes Tarzan see all of great jungle. New gorilla arm give Tarzan strength. Swinging power. Elephant's trunk..." "Go on Tarzan. Let's hear how the trunk is doing. What does Jane think?"
"Yes, Jane do like." said Tarzan, "But if trunk stick ONE MORE PEANUT UP TARZAN ASS, TARZAN CUT IT OFF!!"
When he awoke, the witch doctor said, "Aah, you're awake!" "What happen doctor?" asked Tarzan. The witch doctor answered, "You were in a terrible accident, my boy. You lost your right eye, your left arm, and, well..." "What else!?" "Your dick, Tarzan. Your dick" replied the doctor.
"But I fixed you up, and I think I did a fine job of it. I had to get creative, though. See, I replaced your eye with an eagles eye. That's got to be an upgrade, amirite? I gave you a gorilla's arm in place of your old bloody-torn-off-piece-of-**** one." Fearfully, Tarzan asked, "What about Tarzan's dick?"
"I had to use an elephants trunk." "A what...?" "An elephant's trunk. It was that or an earthworm. There's probably still time..." "NO DOCTOR! Elephant trunk do fine." "Come back in a month, Tarzan, and let me know how you're doing, ok?" And Tarzan swung away.
A few days pass….
"Doctor! Tarzan is back!" "Tarzan, you have to take time to heal and.."
"Tarzan want to tell doctor about new parts! The eagle eyes makes Tarzan see all of great jungle. New gorilla arm give Tarzan strength. Swinging power. Elephant's trunk..." "Go on Tarzan. Let's hear how the trunk is doing. What does Jane think?"
"Yes, Jane do like." said Tarzan, "But if trunk stick ONE MORE PEANUT UP TARZAN ASS, TARZAN CUT IT OFF!!"
Like getting all dressed up and no where to go.Thanks to a Medicare discount, I was eligible for a lifetime supply of Viagra.
Came in today.
Dunno what I'm going to do with five whole pills...
So two cannibals are walking through the jungle when they find a body. They are trying to figure out how to split it up and decide the thing to do is one will start eating at the head, the other will start eating at the feet and they'll meet in the middle.
After about 30 minutes the cannibal eating at the head asks,"How are you doing?" The cannibal eating at the feet says,"Man, I'm having a ball!" The cannibal eating at the head responds,"Well slow down you're eating too fast!"
After about 30 minutes the cannibal eating at the head asks,"How are you doing?" The cannibal eating at the feet says,"Man, I'm having a ball!" The cannibal eating at the head responds,"Well slow down you're eating too fast!"
And for corny hear you go...
Two guys walk into a bar...which is really stupid because when the first guy hit it you'd think the second guy would have ducked!
Two guys walk into a bar...which is really stupid because when the first guy hit it you'd think the second guy would have ducked!
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
I was on my may back home to West GA from Augusta on Christmas Day and was in a hurry to make a party at 6pm.
I was in the Christmas spirit and feeling giving when I saw this needy hitch hiker thumbing for a ride.. I really needed to get on home but I made the choice to be helpful and stopped.
The guy was ecstatic because it was cold and he was in dire needs for a ride. I asked where he was headed and he said California. I said well, I can get you as far as the Alabama line but that was it. He was thankful. I said now look here, I can't stop cause I'm in a hurry so strap in cause I got to be somewhere by 6. NO STOPS!
He agreed. No sooner than we got into Atlanta he said I hate to ask but can we stop, I gotta poop.
I said buddy, I told you that I couldn't stop I had to be somewhere.
He said but I really gotta go!
I said well, that's tough cause if I don't make this party I'm in hot water with the wife.
He said I'll just roll down the window and go out it.
I said FINE.
We were zipping under the bridges on I-20 near the interchanges when he hung his butt out the window and started to go.
About that time two homeless guys near the bridge pylon were walking by and one BIG OLE TURD smacked one of the homeless guys in the face.
He said GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY WHAT A PLUG OF TOBACCO!
The other homeless guy said, IF YOU THINK THAT WAS SOMETHING, YOU ALT TO HAVE SEEN THE LIPS THAT SPIT IT OUT!!!
I was in the Christmas spirit and feeling giving when I saw this needy hitch hiker thumbing for a ride.. I really needed to get on home but I made the choice to be helpful and stopped.
The guy was ecstatic because it was cold and he was in dire needs for a ride. I asked where he was headed and he said California. I said well, I can get you as far as the Alabama line but that was it. He was thankful. I said now look here, I can't stop cause I'm in a hurry so strap in cause I got to be somewhere by 6. NO STOPS!
He agreed. No sooner than we got into Atlanta he said I hate to ask but can we stop, I gotta poop.
I said buddy, I told you that I couldn't stop I had to be somewhere.
He said but I really gotta go!
I said well, that's tough cause if I don't make this party I'm in hot water with the wife.
He said I'll just roll down the window and go out it.
I said FINE.
We were zipping under the bridges on I-20 near the interchanges when he hung his butt out the window and started to go.
About that time two homeless guys near the bridge pylon were walking by and one BIG OLE TURD smacked one of the homeless guys in the face.
He said GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY WHAT A PLUG OF TOBACCO!
The other homeless guy said, IF YOU THINK THAT WAS SOMETHING, YOU ALT TO HAVE SEEN THE LIPS THAT SPIT IT OUT!!!
