The trouble with giving
I decided to pick up a few books on struggles that others had endured and come through, and one of them I choose for my reading was The Emptiness of Our Hands, by Phyllis Cole-Dai and James Murray. It details their 47 days spent living on the streets of Columbus Ohio in the late winter months of 1999. They started out with only the clothes on their back and blended into the population of the streets. It was quite an odyssey to journey along with them.
During the reading of this book, I became more and more interested in the plight of people on the “street” and those who are homeless, hungry and generally ignored by most of themiddle-class society and above. The truth of the matter is that they are everywhere. In 1999 the homeless population of the United States was estimated to be around 2.3 million. Not all of these remained homeless the entire year, but several of them did so for that year and beyond. As of last year, the estimated homeless population of the United States was approximately 553,000 people. So, the number has gone down in the last 22 years. And that’s good news. Of course, once you’ve read a little farther down the page you may not think it’s so “good”.
Like many people I was ignorant of the homeless situation, never having been homeless myself or had a relative or close friend who’s experienced that. At least not one who’s felt comfortable sharing it in detail. Point of fact it’s looked down upon or at least perceived to be a negative aspect of one’s story. The amount of misinformation about the homeless usually comes from those of us who “think” we know what were talking about without any real data or experience to back it up.
“But wait I’ve actually spoken to a homeless person before”, you might be thinking. Or maybe you’ve gone so far as to give them something (money, food, or other miscellaneous items). “Well, I don’t like to give to people who are begging on the street because you don’t know where the money is going. They could use it for booze or drugs or who knows what.” How about “I don’t even really know if they’re actually homeless. I heard about this guy who begs all day and then drives home with a Mercedes he keeps stashed a few blocks away. He’s making a killing!”
I have heard these phrases so many times before. Hell, I’ve said these phrases many times before. And there we are back at my ignorance.
A couple of weeks ago I set out from the house to have some quiet time. Truth be told I was arguing with the wife about something that was probably silly to begin with. But when we don’t have hardship in our life, sometimes (even if it’s subconsciously) we make our own. I decided I would put some good out into the world and inspired by Phyllis and James I headed in the direction of a major highway intersection where a man is often perched on a bucket, passively soliciting people at the stop light to…”give” or “help”. He always has some sort of sign that I purposefully look away from while I am waiting of the light to change so I can drive off away from this nuisance. I’ve seen him a dozen times in the past. I’ve talked **** about him at least a half dozen times. Today I sought him out. Today was different. As I drove past the intersection in question to see if he was there and plan what I might bring to him to spark a conversation between us, I was completely taken by surprise to see a woman there instead. I pulled into the grocery store that was nearest the highway and purchased two gift cards, a female travel hygiene kit and a cold bottle of water as today was very warm for late April (around 84 degrees I believe, gotta love that Georgia weather). All these items fit easily into my backpack,and I walked through a wooded area that butted up against the highway and had a surprisingly well-worn path. I emerged and crossed the line of cars waiting for the green light and approached the woman holding a sign with a perfectly written statement about needing help to feed her children.
I took out the first gift card which was for $10 at the grocery store I parked at and asked her if I could give it to her in exchange for asking her 5 questions. “That’ s $2 a question so not a bad deal, right?” I asked. It was at this moment that we both figured out there was a slight language barrier. The first thing that struck me was she folded her sign and was very interested in trying to communicate. Thanks to google translate and some patience from both of us it went smoothly. I learned from my first question that her name was Latisha. She told me that she spoke Spanish better than English and her best phrases were ones that revolved around her task (thanking people for money and telling them “god bless you”). When asked she told me her age was 30. I then learned she had two children, a boy who big for his age and ate A LOT, and a girl who was 8. She stated that they were in a hotel nearby and she was here trying to keep them all going.
At this point she asked me a question. In perfect English she said, “are you police?” I laughed and typed out my answer on the phone to show her. “I used to be, a long time ago. Why do I still look like I am?” She nodded her head and smiled. Then she said, “you police, you should know more Spanish”. We both laughed at that. I then asked her if she had water and she pointed at her bag in the tall grass and said “yes, there”. I took out the bottle that I had purchased and thankfully it was still cold. I told her “Take this. And you need to be careful of the heat and people who are not so nice”. While she was thanking me for saying that I thought -How many of us are forced to be subjected to the elements in today’s America? Well, besides the 553,000, I mean. YOU, the reader. Your friends, your family, your coworkers. Outside of the construction industry, emergency services, the military and maybe a few other very select professions what is the worst that most of us are having to deal with? We can upgrade or outright change most of the situations that make us feel uncomfortable at most any time. Thanks to the pandemic we can now even have food brought to us just about anywhere. When I was much younger and living at home my father used to say, “you like this life huh?” He was a“Depression kid” and most of the things he said I just found annoying. Til I grew up and realized that it had a lot more meaning than I gave I gave him credit for.
So back to our conversation, I then asked Latisha “can I give you something else?” She smiled and put her hand over her heart and said, “oh ok” and I could tell she was clearly not used to people doing more than just handing cash to her out the window. I gave her the hygiene kit and she could not stop saying “god bless you, thank you”. All I kept thinking was- this is nothing. I spent a few dollars on things I take for granted every day. But then I remembered that to her it was much more. I reached into my back pocket and took out the other gift card which was for another $10 at a local restaurant within walking distance of her spot. I told her “I forgot I have this for you too”. The look on her face was worth 10 times what I spent. But I didn’t do it for that.
I walked back to my car knowing that I would sit for a bit with my thoughts. And after reflecting on the event, I decided to share those thoughts with all of you.
I remembered saying in the past “how do I know those people aren’t just ripping me off if I give to them?” Do you really know if someone is ripping you off? Is that the point of your giving? I heard on a podcast recently that even if someone is begging and they are not in the need that they present themselves to be that their life is still in some kind of trouble that we might not understand. Perhaps they can’t work due to mental illness, addiction issues, lack of resources (phone, car, etc.). Someone else may be forcing them to do it, who holds sway in their lives. Regardless of the particulars the question remains- Are you able to use your senses and your interpersonal skills to determine if someone’s situation is fabricated or genuine? If you are then that’s a neat trick. Do you care about the legitimacy of their issue, or is it just a convenient thing to justify why you don’t learn, don’t give and don’t care?
A lot of questions to ponder, and I didn’t even offer you a gift card, right?? Well, I don’t want to come off as sanctimonious, I merely want to share a perspective. I leave you with this final thought, giving is a lifelong journey and how might you feel if you were suddenly placed in a position where you were standing on the side of an interstate offramp in 80-degree heat, holding a sign in a language other than your own, hoping to get donations. And the only worries you have are the heat, the cars, strangers and law enforcement.
It's a lot to think about, most of us just don’t. That’s the trouble with giving.
Thanks for reading.
Matt
I decided to pick up a few books on struggles that others had endured and come through, and one of them I choose for my reading was The Emptiness of Our Hands, by Phyllis Cole-Dai and James Murray. It details their 47 days spent living on the streets of Columbus Ohio in the late winter months of 1999. They started out with only the clothes on their back and blended into the population of the streets. It was quite an odyssey to journey along with them.
During the reading of this book, I became more and more interested in the plight of people on the “street” and those who are homeless, hungry and generally ignored by most of themiddle-class society and above. The truth of the matter is that they are everywhere. In 1999 the homeless population of the United States was estimated to be around 2.3 million. Not all of these remained homeless the entire year, but several of them did so for that year and beyond. As of last year, the estimated homeless population of the United States was approximately 553,000 people. So, the number has gone down in the last 22 years. And that’s good news. Of course, once you’ve read a little farther down the page you may not think it’s so “good”.
Like many people I was ignorant of the homeless situation, never having been homeless myself or had a relative or close friend who’s experienced that. At least not one who’s felt comfortable sharing it in detail. Point of fact it’s looked down upon or at least perceived to be a negative aspect of one’s story. The amount of misinformation about the homeless usually comes from those of us who “think” we know what were talking about without any real data or experience to back it up.
“But wait I’ve actually spoken to a homeless person before”, you might be thinking. Or maybe you’ve gone so far as to give them something (money, food, or other miscellaneous items). “Well, I don’t like to give to people who are begging on the street because you don’t know where the money is going. They could use it for booze or drugs or who knows what.” How about “I don’t even really know if they’re actually homeless. I heard about this guy who begs all day and then drives home with a Mercedes he keeps stashed a few blocks away. He’s making a killing!”
I have heard these phrases so many times before. Hell, I’ve said these phrases many times before. And there we are back at my ignorance.
A couple of weeks ago I set out from the house to have some quiet time. Truth be told I was arguing with the wife about something that was probably silly to begin with. But when we don’t have hardship in our life, sometimes (even if it’s subconsciously) we make our own. I decided I would put some good out into the world and inspired by Phyllis and James I headed in the direction of a major highway intersection where a man is often perched on a bucket, passively soliciting people at the stop light to…”give” or “help”. He always has some sort of sign that I purposefully look away from while I am waiting of the light to change so I can drive off away from this nuisance. I’ve seen him a dozen times in the past. I’ve talked **** about him at least a half dozen times. Today I sought him out. Today was different. As I drove past the intersection in question to see if he was there and plan what I might bring to him to spark a conversation between us, I was completely taken by surprise to see a woman there instead. I pulled into the grocery store that was nearest the highway and purchased two gift cards, a female travel hygiene kit and a cold bottle of water as today was very warm for late April (around 84 degrees I believe, gotta love that Georgia weather). All these items fit easily into my backpack,and I walked through a wooded area that butted up against the highway and had a surprisingly well-worn path. I emerged and crossed the line of cars waiting for the green light and approached the woman holding a sign with a perfectly written statement about needing help to feed her children.
I took out the first gift card which was for $10 at the grocery store I parked at and asked her if I could give it to her in exchange for asking her 5 questions. “That’ s $2 a question so not a bad deal, right?” I asked. It was at this moment that we both figured out there was a slight language barrier. The first thing that struck me was she folded her sign and was very interested in trying to communicate. Thanks to google translate and some patience from both of us it went smoothly. I learned from my first question that her name was Latisha. She told me that she spoke Spanish better than English and her best phrases were ones that revolved around her task (thanking people for money and telling them “god bless you”). When asked she told me her age was 30. I then learned she had two children, a boy who big for his age and ate A LOT, and a girl who was 8. She stated that they were in a hotel nearby and she was here trying to keep them all going.
At this point she asked me a question. In perfect English she said, “are you police?” I laughed and typed out my answer on the phone to show her. “I used to be, a long time ago. Why do I still look like I am?” She nodded her head and smiled. Then she said, “you police, you should know more Spanish”. We both laughed at that. I then asked her if she had water and she pointed at her bag in the tall grass and said “yes, there”. I took out the bottle that I had purchased and thankfully it was still cold. I told her “Take this. And you need to be careful of the heat and people who are not so nice”. While she was thanking me for saying that I thought -How many of us are forced to be subjected to the elements in today’s America? Well, besides the 553,000, I mean. YOU, the reader. Your friends, your family, your coworkers. Outside of the construction industry, emergency services, the military and maybe a few other very select professions what is the worst that most of us are having to deal with? We can upgrade or outright change most of the situations that make us feel uncomfortable at most any time. Thanks to the pandemic we can now even have food brought to us just about anywhere. When I was much younger and living at home my father used to say, “you like this life huh?” He was a“Depression kid” and most of the things he said I just found annoying. Til I grew up and realized that it had a lot more meaning than I gave I gave him credit for.
So back to our conversation, I then asked Latisha “can I give you something else?” She smiled and put her hand over her heart and said, “oh ok” and I could tell she was clearly not used to people doing more than just handing cash to her out the window. I gave her the hygiene kit and she could not stop saying “god bless you, thank you”. All I kept thinking was- this is nothing. I spent a few dollars on things I take for granted every day. But then I remembered that to her it was much more. I reached into my back pocket and took out the other gift card which was for another $10 at a local restaurant within walking distance of her spot. I told her “I forgot I have this for you too”. The look on her face was worth 10 times what I spent. But I didn’t do it for that.
I walked back to my car knowing that I would sit for a bit with my thoughts. And after reflecting on the event, I decided to share those thoughts with all of you.
I remembered saying in the past “how do I know those people aren’t just ripping me off if I give to them?” Do you really know if someone is ripping you off? Is that the point of your giving? I heard on a podcast recently that even if someone is begging and they are not in the need that they present themselves to be that their life is still in some kind of trouble that we might not understand. Perhaps they can’t work due to mental illness, addiction issues, lack of resources (phone, car, etc.). Someone else may be forcing them to do it, who holds sway in their lives. Regardless of the particulars the question remains- Are you able to use your senses and your interpersonal skills to determine if someone’s situation is fabricated or genuine? If you are then that’s a neat trick. Do you care about the legitimacy of their issue, or is it just a convenient thing to justify why you don’t learn, don’t give and don’t care?
A lot of questions to ponder, and I didn’t even offer you a gift card, right?? Well, I don’t want to come off as sanctimonious, I merely want to share a perspective. I leave you with this final thought, giving is a lifelong journey and how might you feel if you were suddenly placed in a position where you were standing on the side of an interstate offramp in 80-degree heat, holding a sign in a language other than your own, hoping to get donations. And the only worries you have are the heat, the cars, strangers and law enforcement.
It's a lot to think about, most of us just don’t. That’s the trouble with giving.
Thanks for reading.
Matt
