I've never seen anyone explain it so easily. Thank you.
I had a lot childhood trauma. Dad was an alcoholic, mom was paranoid-schizophrenic. They weren't bad people; it was just very difficult. I didn't learn the best coping skills. My family role models came from old TV reruns and friend's parents. I also started dating my wife when I was 17 and she was 15. She saw and experienced what I grew up with. She's been a Godsend since 1976.
I worked very hard to get better. I was doing well until I experienced something halfway through my military career. It pretty much destroyed what I'd rebuilt. I eventually got my "mojo" back until I retired and had to transition to the civilian sector. I worked with fighter aircraft and fighter pilots. My job was intense; very high A. I didn't engage the enemy. But I did fight daily peacetime and wartime battles regarding flying and maintenance schedules, limited resources, logistic pipelines, unrealistic expectations, personnel issues. Managed up to 26 airframes and led up to 230 men and women.
I never had time to look inward while I was in the service; the pace was too fast. That changed when I retired. I couldn't adapt to the slower pace. I made coworkers uncomfortable, uneasy with my intensity. I also had way to much time to think. Over-thinking, second guessing pretty much ruined me. Didn't have time for that in the service.
In any case. Talk to the VA to see if a service animal would help with your symptoms. There's any number of reasons for the way you feel. You're not alone.