Anyone move a family member to a memory care center?

[CAMSDADDY]

For the past few years my father has been suffering from alcohol related demitasse and Alzheimer's. I moved him closer a few years ago but he has still been living alone. I have had a nurse that comes in a cleans and such and I have a locked timed device for meds. I have dealt with the guilt if having to move him from his home to an apartment but he has no one else. I have gotten used to him not knowing who I am or confusing me for either one of his brothers or his father. I would guess the last time he saw his brothers was at his fathers funeral 5+ years ago. They have dealt with me concerning his affairs and they avoid him. Recently he has begun to wander. While he lives in a nice neighborhood he is simply a block from some less than prime housing. Thankfully no one has taken advantage of or robbed or beaten him. I have gotten several calls about him being out and about after midnight and when I get him he is clueless. Last night he fell looking for his truck. Even though he hasn't had a license in 13 years he has continued to drive and wrecked his last truck over a year ago against my wishes or request. I have to admit he is more than I can handle. I deal with the guilt of moving him closer to me. I live with him accusing everyone of hoodooing him because he doesn't remember. I live with the guilt of knowing he is going. To a facility where he will not be free to come and go. I know he will be safe. Has anyone else had to make this decision? How did you deal with the guilt?

 

[Plinker66]

Do not assume he will be safe. Keep a close eye on him and his weight and skin after you put him in.

If they let him dehydrate and/or stop eating enough protein he will tailspin very quickly. In some places the staff doesn’t watch the hydration and nutrition if no one is complaining.

But it sounds like you gotta put him somewhere.

I watched my mother look after her Alzhimers mother for ten years. Very tough duty.

 

[Kahrnut]

If you move him into an assisted living home, I think Medicaid will pay a good bit towards it. http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medicaid

 

[Georgia Terrapin]

It's very hard and very necessary. Keep a close eye and visit a lot, but before complaining about the staff's shortcomings remember how hard it was before, and ask whether he's in better or worse care. That was our struggle -- constantly forgetting that the "bad" care was light years more advanced than what we could do at home.

Hang in there . . . .

 

[dakota port]

dealing with Alzheimer patients is a full time job, they will take any advantage to go back to something they remember from the past(even if it's a demolished house that had a road through it since the 60s

visit him at the facility to make sure the staff are doing all the medical need and following instructions such as if he is allergic to latex (most staff i've found ignore that detail). cherish his good days like there is no tomorrow, since those will be your good memories of him from this point on

 

[GAgunLAWbooklet]

Why feel guilt about doing the right thing?
It’s clearly necessary, for his safety and well-being, to put him in a place where they keep an eye on him.
Can you find a place that has a big yard and a pretty big building (or set-aside memory care wing) where he can wander safely when the mood strikes him?

You could take him out often for dinners, going to movies, maybe fishing, etc.

If you doubt that’s the right thing to do, ask yourself what he would have done 25 years ago had he been the primary caregiver for somebody in the family he loved.

 

[markj]

I Just went through this with my Dad. About 4 years ago his dementia became bad enough he just wasn't safe any longer. He also became a danger to himself and to my mother.
They were in FL, so I had to go get them and move them up here. Putting him in a memory care facility was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. We moved my Mom into our house. She spent 8-10 hrs a day, 7 days a week caring for him at that facility. He lasted 4 years, slowly declining until he finally passed away in August.
Remember the man he was, you have to make the tough calls, you know he would, if he could.
I hope he qualifies for Medicaid, my Father did not, and it was unbelievably expensive, drained all my parents savings and retirement, and some of mine. I dont have a very high opinion of the care provided at most of these memory care facilities, keep an eye on him, dont be afraid to call them out if you dont like what you see.
Hang in there, your doing what needs to be done for his well being.

 

[CAMSDADDY]

Do not assume he will be safe. Keep a close eye on him and his weight and skin after you put him in.

If they let him dehydrate and/or stop eating enough protein he will tailspin very quickly. In some places the staff doesn’t watch the hydration and nutrition if no one is complaining.

But it sounds like you gotta put him somewhere.

I watched my mother look after her Alzhimers mother for ten years. Very tough duty.

This is what I am also dealing with now. I can't make sure he eats and drinks and I know he is not. I do have to something. I can't move him in with me as it would destroy my family.

If you move him into an assisted living home, I think Medicaid will pay a good bit towards it. http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medicaid

This is our hope.

It's very hard and very necessary. Keep a close eye and visit a lot, but before complaining about the staff's shortcomings remember how hard it was before, and ask whether he's in better or worse care. That was our struggle -- constantly forgetting that the "bad" care was light years more advanced than what we could do at home.

Hang in there . . . .

Honestly the care he receives will probably be better even if sub par. This facility is about 45 mins away. I do know families who have had loved ones there. I also know members of the staff and while I know there is always a chance it's comforting to know.

 

[GeauxLSU]

You know it's the right thing. The only guilt I felt was grief at not being able to "fix" the situation. It's very very very hard to watch your former protectors need your protection. I know first hand.
Find the best place you can as close as you can and as others have said, go OFTEN and at different times so the staff never knows when to expect you.

 

[canoecanoe]

A hard choice to make, but probably the only choice. You Will feel guilt and be remorseful. Life has some tough patches/