This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

About that Covid-19...
Aka "The Germ"
Me AT GROCERY STORE:
Why is there plastic on the payment keypad?
Cashier: To protect people from Covid.
Me : But isn’t everyone touching the plastic keypad the same way they would the regular keypad?
Cashier: No words. Confused look.
Me : Why don't you pack the grocery bags anymore?
Cashier : Because of Covid 19 to reduce the spread of catching or spreading the virus.
Me : But a shelf packer took it out of a box and put on the shelf, a few customers might have picked it up and put back deciding they don't want it, I put it in my cart and then on the conveyer belt, YOU pick it up to scan it... But putting it in a bag after you scan is risky??
Cashier : No words, confused look.
Me AT DRIVE-THRU
Server: (Holds a tray out the window with a bag of food for logical friend to grab)
Me: Why is my bag of food on a tray?
Server: So I don’t touch your food because of Covid.
Me: Didn’t the cook touch my food? Didn’t the person wrapping my food touch it and then touch it again when placing it in my bag? Didn’t you touch the bag and put it on the tray? Didn’t you touch the tray? And didn't you take my money or my card and hand it back to me?
Server: No words. Confused look.
Me in SOCIETY
Society : If you cough or sneeze, do it in your elbow or sleeve.
Also society : Don't shake hands or hug anyone or you will spread the virus..
To greet people, do an elbow tap instead.
Me : Elbow tap ? Isn't that where you tell people to sneeze or cough? Into their elbow? Now you want people to tap each other with that elbow?
Wouldn't it be safer to sneeze into elbow and shake hands like we did before Covid?
Me AT RESTAURANT:
Hostess: Ok, I can seat you at this table right here (4 feet away), but I will need you to wear a mask to the table.
Me: What happens when I get to the table?
Hostess: You can take off the mask.
Me: Then it is safe over there?
Hostess: Yes.
Me: Are those fans blowing above the table? Is that the air-conditioning I feel? Is the air circulating in here?
Hostess: No words. Confused look.
SOCIETY : Confused.

 

[aFarewellToKings]

SOCIETY : Confused. Obey!

 

[Dawgbrain]

So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier yesterday morning at 7:20 am, and I wanted to let you all know that it is totally safe and I’m ok, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши. чувству себя немго страо. Comrades.

 

[Megawolf]

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well," replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but
they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been
having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight Simon, who are you going to be?'





Tonight Matthew, Im going to be Simon and Halfuncle!

 

[Megawolf]

Yes, its that time if year again...boxes..

 

[Megawolf]

True HIGH STAKES POKER GAME

I see your four 12 ga and rsise you a 9mm and 100 SPP

 

[biker_bill]

I'd travel some for a game like this.

We played poker on a 10 person table at my house for years.
Started at 7:00 pm every Friday night, we always had a full table.
Buy in was $20 and we played no limit Hold Em.
Those were good times!

 

[Megawolf]

Uummm....give me 50

 

[Megawolf]

Had to share

 

[Hotdiggitydog]

A simplified urine test that may be relevant for at least some men...
Go outside & pee in the garden..If ants gather : Diabetes..
If you pee on your feet : Prostate..
If it smells like a barbecue : Cholesterol..
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts : Osteoarthritis..
If you return to the house with your penis still outside your pants..: Alzheimer's..