This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Some days are better than others.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly.

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[Megawolf]

A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would II?

Student: "Ok. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A"."
Professor: "Hmmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "Alright" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir", says the student. "You see, you are 75 yrs old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

 

[wozeyjales]

Guy gets a call from his doctor's nurse. She informs him
that the results are in from the tests they ran on him.
She says unfortunately I have bad news and worse news.
He says okay give me the bad news first.
She tells him that according to the test results he only has
48 hrs to live.
He asks well what could be worse than that?
She replies I forgot to call you yesterday.

 

[murphranch]

A naked man wrapped in cellophane walks into a psychiatrists office. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says “clearly I can see your nuts”


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[wozeyjales]

Q. what's long and yellow and goes slam slam slam slam?
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A. a four door banana
(aahh the classics nevah die)

 

[Megawolf]

I got pulled over on I-44 for going 7 mph over the speed limit.

As the officer started walking up to my car, i rolled my windows down .....

My adorable and apparently INCREDIBLY smart 4 yr old niece , started screaming from the backseat:

“It’s coming out!!!!!”
“I can’t hold it any longer!!!!!”
“It’s almost here!!!!!!!!!!!”

Now the trooper is HEARING her scream this....
and he leans in the window and asks her “What’s going on here???”

She looks him DEAD IN THE FACE

And says “I’ve got poop coming outta my butt!!”‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

He started laughing
I looked like I was about to cry

He asked how far I had to go, which was about 2 miles home. He told me to drive safe and get miss thang home to do her business. He could NOT stop laughing

As soon as we pulled away I asked “What the hell was that about???”

This kid,smirked and said “I saw it on YouTube but I didn’t think it would work”‍‍‍‍

I said “So...... You're not pooping ?”
She said nope and you're not in trouble either.

OMG
This kid is my hero ‍

 

[Megawolf]

WTF is wrong with people???

So I just went to Coles for some milk and a few other things. While I’m standing in front of the fridge for milk, this idiot comes up behind me and starts TAPPING me on my shoulder, ignoring ALL the social distancing rules, right!? So I tried to ignore him but he keeps tapping and tapping.

THIS is where it got interesting.

So the idiot kept tapping ....See More

 

[lokidogg]

Two planets in a solar system. One looks at the other and says " Man I have this awful itch on my crust and uts driving me crazy. I think they are calked homosapian." The other on just shrugged and said " Don't worry, they won't last long"

 

[keith089]

WTF is wrong with people???

So I just went to Coles for some milk and a few other things. While I’m standing in front of the fridge for milk, this idiot comes up behind me and starts TAPPING me on my shoulder, ignoring ALL the social distancing rules, right!? So I tried to ignore him but he keeps tapping and tapping.

THIS is where it got interesting.

So the idiot kept tapping ....See More

U got me, I’m stealing

 

[Truck123]