This is better than those letters to Penthouse Magazine when I was a kid. I don't care if this is accurate or not, you deserve an award for creative writing.
https://www.yahoo.com/gma/2-students-professor-stabbed-during-091555515.html
“Through investigation, it was determined that three victims were injured as a result of the incident,” authorities said. “Two females and one male were transported to hospital with non-life-threatening injuries.”
I...
Worked at McDonald's in Raleigh NC when I was 15. Rule was to put burgers that fell on the floor back on the grill for 10 seconds before we served them.
Although I fit the demographic, it wasn't me because I only weigh a buck and a half.
https://www.fox5atlanta.com/news/police-fake-roswell-officer-sexually-abused-masseuse